New Harm Story! Hope shares her tragic abuse that led to her understanding the true devastation of porn.
HOW PORNOGRAPHY CHANGED ME FOREVER
– By Hope T. (female, 37, U.S.)
My story is hard to share since I’m not sure exactly what happened throughout the entire ordeal. I guess I always knew something was wrong with the man that I met when he asked me to lie about our circumstances, after he sexually assaulted me. I was severely traumatized by that time in my life and the events that surrounded them, so I had no idea how to recover from them, and I ended up in a toxic field that I believe puts me speaking here now.
I felt that since we had already been intimate that there was no backing out of it. I had been married before meeting him, and only intimate with my husband before him. So, it had been just my ex-husband for about ten years, then in one night it was all gone. I felt like a slut and awful.
I dated this man and quickly learned that there was something very wrong with him. He was very abusive and hiding things, one of which was a deep interest in porn. I discovered this on his computer.
Soon enough he began to share intimate knowledge of my body with a close friend, which horrified me on top of the rape. I wondered how his friend knew, and they would pick on me and insult me. The objectification was obvious by him and his friend, as well as a serious attempt to hide things. He also had no problem being an exhibitionist himself, and would do odd things to me when we were just going about ordinary, everyday activities. I learned to just freeze and let these moments pass.
Things came back to me, such as sex to him always being an act that was very much not about connecting, but about control and performance. I learned to survive the experiences, not enjoy them. I did my best to block them out and get through them, and pretend them away — as an actress would. He would do degrading things at times that I won’t fully share, and I was terrified to confront him.
I always had a feeling that the acts were being forced or compelled on me at times, and when I would not agree to things that he wanted, he would look to others for release. I am grateful I did not agree to do many things because of my values. He had pressure me to have sex in public, despite me repeatedly saying “no” — among other terrible requests to which I had to repeatedly tell him “no.”
I was thrown into this relationship as a victim of rape — scarred and scared. He did the crime, provoking and incapacitating me, never letting me know his guilt because he knew I would go to the police. Then his entire objective, I believe, seemed to be the hinting at several ways to get me into compromising sexual moments in order to expose me and himself — whether for money, boredom, or just because he was severely twisted. I never saw any tapes, but I believe that he made them.
I think back at how horrified I am day to day. Comments he made to friends about my body, comments he made about noises I made during sex — as if they were to be heard by other people — made me literally want to vanish off of this earth.
I am one of the most bashful people on the planet when it comes to intercourse. I had been with one person, ONE male before him in nearly a decade, and he took me and tried to turn me into what felt like or what I would call a prostitute. I would not know how I feel much different from one now.
I am devastated by this realization. It was not my choice or with my knowledge, even though I always knew something was very wrong. I also knew that if I ever questioned him on certain things he would become violent, so I think I knew it was not safe to talk about.
I am still afraid. I don’t know how to piece it all together for sure. That is partly why I’m here. He was clearly diseased severely, and thought he could take, intimidate, and dismantle another woman for his gain, and with no repercussions. He didn’t care about my values or morals and what it would do to my life one bit.
I will tell you nothing has kept me up more nights as much as this catastrophe. Nothing has made me want to take my own life as much as this heart wrenching tragedy has. This is to say because it was not my choice, and he was fully cognizant of what he was doing the entire time, along with his cohorts. I would never ever have agreed to the things he began, requested, and did deceitfully.
And since I ended the relationship I had with him, which was coated with lies and abuse, I have been with no one, and have spent my time trying to make my life better. I have felt like the slut or criminal, when again I did nothing. This again makes me cringe. The things he exposed or shared were sacred things to me, and I’m still not sure how to recover, but somehow, somewhere, I will find the strength.
The thought of other men, women, or people looking at my naked flesh, and seeing me have sex without my knowledge, makes my blood boil. Especially since they saw me with a man who raped me, and while doing acts that degraded me without my consent. If he had asked, he knew the answer would have been, “No way!” I’d have blown up in a full rage if he had requested. I’d have stood there and taken whatever abuse came my way.
So in my experience… my story… my power was taken away from me and shared with who knows how many people. When I walk into the world every day, I wonder if people might know me or recognize me from sick images released by a sick man. I hope not. It saddens me beyond repair. It breaks my heart because the choice was not my own, as I have reiterated so many times throughout this passage.
I wonder how many people know that? And if so, if they would continue to feed a sick monster like the porn industry because of my story. Will anyone now watch porn and wonder, “Did that woman get tricked into this?Or is she being drugged and raped? And if so, then I will refuse to watch this. I want no part of this.”
Do you know how many women out there are dying inside because of this violation? It has changed my worldview on this industry forever.
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